I'm too old for Splatoon, but I can't stop playing.

I've been hella busy lately, so here's a quick update on Splatoon:

So. being the bona-fide Nintendo fanboy that I am, I was quite exited to hear about Splatoon. But I was cautiously optimistic. I thought it had the potential to be a hit, but it would certainly not be for me.

Then they released the "testfire" stress test/demo, and I had to give it a try. Not only was the game lots of fun, but I was actually quite good at it! Then there was another test, and I was kicking ass! So of course I wanted the game!

Nintendo had made a formula in which casual players could be good at a competitive first person shooter! And it's an awesome game!

Then came the updates. They added new weapons, and new maps, each more complex and harder to master. And that was a problem. I was falling behind. I was great with the newbie weapons, and I knew the newbie maps like the back of my hand, but the kids with the fast reflexes and the zero responsibilities started gaining an advantage. Things get so intense I end up with a headache if i play too long. Yep. it's no longer a relaxing activity.

So here I am, with twelve-year-old kids running circles around me. Aching to play with adults. I tried for about 6 months to form a regular "squad". For a few weeks I had a "regular group", and as we played it would turn out they were little kids too.

To this day, none of my friends play the game, either. Not even those who have it!

So I think the problem with this IP is that Nintendo made it too focused towards millennials. And it's a shame because it's a great game. I still have hopes that they perfect the ranking and matchmaking algorithms so that I don't have a stroke playing this game.

I tried to warn you. Gamers are on the brink of extinction.

That's right. Gamers are going the way of the Dreamcast. Gone. Cancelled. Forgotten. No need to be angry, though! It's gonna be fine! You're going to be fine, I promise! Put down your weapon and continue reading.

For the last few years I've been writing about how toxic the "Handcore demographic" has gotten. I've discussed Nintendo hate among gamers and tried to define the term "Hardcore". I think I caught a bit of a trend there, don't you?

Recently, however, a great deal of shit has hit the fan. I don't have all the facts, but the news are pretty disturbing. Here's some headlines:

• Trolls drive Anita Sarkeesian out of her house to prove misogyny doesn't exist

• The Anti-Feminist Internet Targets 'Depression Quest' Game Creator Zoe Quinn

• Fez developer Polytron hacked in ongoing game developer harassment effort

Even if these articles were full of lies, the fact remains that people are rushing to the comments section in these pages to defend whoever's harassing these people. Under what circumstances is it OK to attack people like this? None. It's wrong. I don't care how evil do you think these people are. I don't wanna hear about corruption in journalism and any other bullshit arguments. If you disagree with these people, then don't consume their product. There are more pressing issues right now! Like wars and global warming and shit!

So why are people turning violent over such trivial matters (AKA Video Games)? Previously I had hypothesized that the hardcore gamer crowd was taking the offensive because they suddenly felt like a majority, whereas they had previously been bullied. I still think this is true, but not the main reason. There's a point I had not considered, something else that hit the media today.

Dan Golding seems to have hit the nail right on the head (please click on the links for context). Turns out the gamers are feeling threatened!

I fully agree with his views. The gamers are lashing out against anyone who threatens to change their lifestyle, their identity, or to let outsiders into their couch fortress.

Suddenly the feminists say that we can't have gratuitous titties in our games. We're fucking adults! Stop messing with our games! Then these chicks are making girly games, and now when I go to Gamestop, there's little girls there too! I can't shop at a store that caters to little girls! Did you know girls can't be gamers? And if they are they have to be virgins! Ugly virgins that fear our ever-ready rape stick! Yeah, we can make rape jokes, we're adults! Now everybody wants to be a gamer, and if everyone is a gamer, then what am I? Just a person? What am I supposed to do with all this loot crate swag now? Who am I?

One thing the last two articles referenced never mentioned, however, is the Nintendo hate! The final piece of the puzzle! Now I know why the hardcore gamers love to hate Nintendo! Because Nintendo is changing their hobby! They're making games for children and adults. They make controllers that require body movements. They keep prices low to appeal to a wider audience... They are threatening the status quo. No, wait, they destroyed it long ago, now, with the Wii.

I heard people complain that Nintendo was refusing to evolve by developing underpowered hardware and sticking to their franchises. But isn't it the other way around? Hasn't the entire industry, including the consumer, refused to evolve by not allowing innovation and diversity?

If you're a hardcore gamer, know that there will always be a market for "triple A" games. But you will have to share now. But nobody's taking anything from you! There's just going to be more! Enough for everyone! But some things will change. But for the better! Some of the gratuitous violence and misogyny will slowly fade out as more and more females start to buy games, and as the media finally starts to pay attention. But more consumers means more business! The industry is going to flourish! Everyone's a gamer now, you're just a guy now. Sure, you won't have that feeling of belonging anymore, but you're no longer an outcast! See? I told you everything was going to be alright!

Please don't kill me. I love you!

Mario Kart 8: The hype stops here.

I love Mario Kart 8. I come home from work to play it, and stay up night playing. It's great fun, and I'm very happy it's helping drive Wii U sales. Sure, they changed a few things but I see why. You can now only hold one item, which keeps the game more balanced. They practically took away battle mode, but I don't miss it.

Oh, and the graphics are amazing. The game is truly great.

It's also a great disappointment.

FIrst, I want to talk about the anti gravity gimmick. It's pretty cool, but poorly implemented. When I first heard about it, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities, but every second idea was for Rainbow Road. Here you have a race track suspended in the air above the atmosphere, just begging to be turned into a multicolored möbius strip of death. Instead? They took all the magic away and turned into a spaceship-themed track. Yuck.

They made only ONE möbius strip track, and it's a "circuit" track with trees and bushes on both sides. Seriously. Upside down trees. It's horrible. Almost every track that features anti gravity segments turns the scenery around as well, so you get no sense of defying gravity.

Also, very rarely is it used for running along walls, and even more rare is racing on the actual ceiling. Instead they tacked it on (in the last minute, it seems) to a few steep hills or sharp curves where normal karts would have done just right.

One thing that bothers me too is bikes, they look so weird in anti-gravity that I always use karts.

Here's a few more missed opportunities:

• Turning a few SNES tracks into möbius strips, or fold the entire track so half of it is now the ceiling.
• Anti gravity mayhem in the Wii's half-pipes. Turn a few of them into actual pipes.
• Steep climbs when weaker vehicles slow down, followed by steep drops where you speed up uncontrollably. Shy guy falls does this, but it needs to happen more often.
• More straight tracks. In MK7 there were several tracks, including Rainbow Road, where there were no laps. In MK8 there is only one that I can remember. How cool would it be for a track to start in a series of underground water-filled tunnels, then climb along a gigantic beanstalk beyond the clouds? 
• Loop-de-loops! Not a single one!
• A three-sided möbius track where each side is one lap. Technically, it's only one side but you get my drift.

Online play is still a bit of a pain. You still have to open "rooms" and hope your friends show up. What if your friends are offline or playing with random players? Not my problem!

The entire experience until you get to race is pretty bad too. The navigating through menus is insufferable, especially if more than player is present.

Finally, the game is pretty hostile towards the gamepad. Why force the game into split-screen mode for a two-player race when there's two screens? How about a spectator mode where the player uses the gamepad screen and others can watch from a third-person perspective on the big screen?

Hopefully the last few concerns can be patched, and even though the unimaginative track design is inexcusable, I would gladly pay for a couple extra DLC "cups". I know the game will get patched for Amiibo support, so get to it Nintendo! Make it perfect!

How to save the Wii U

I know you've read a brazillion posts about how to save the Wii U, And I know you are sick of them all. But bear with me for a moment, this one actually makes sense!

What the Wii U needs is a killer app. What the Wii U needs is Jet Grind Radio. Think about it.

The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker showed us that the Wii U's full 1080, 60fps capability makes cel-shaded graphics look gorgeous. What other game was popular for using cel-shaded graphics? Jet Grind Radio. The game will certainly look amazing.

On the Dreamcast days, JGR had a neat graffiti generation tool. You could make customized tags that looked great, in case you got tired of the pre-made ones. But you could go further and go on your computer, edit some graphics, and them import them via the Dreamcast's web browser. Spray-painting silly pictures around town was half the fun. But there's no need for any of this on the Wii U, because of the Gamepad! There's a huge artist community on Miiverse, and if you give them the ability to make cool tags with Gamepad, share them on Miiverse, and use them in-game, they will go crazy!

Of course, when you had chosen your tags for the game, painting them in-game was done by swiping the analog stick. You had to be fast, especially with larger tags, because the cops were always after you. Now imagine the possibilities. Instead of swiping on a stick, you trace lines on the gamepad, and while the gamepad shows your art taking shape, the TV screen shows an over-the shoulder view of the back of the character, so you can keep an eye on incoming cops. ZombiU proved this was a great gameplay mechanic when you had to use the gamepad to unlock doors or fix things while you kept an eye on the big screen for incoming zombies. The more complicated the task, the more you have to focus, the more you have to focus, the easier it is for cops to sneak up on you. Sure, JGR's cops aren't sneaky shambling zombies, but nevertheless it sounds like loads of fun. In JGR the cops would shoot you and try to harm you, but the new version could include cops who walk up to you and if they get their hands on you you'd be arrested and the game ends.

Some have called the Wii U Nintendo's Dreamcast. I can certainly feel the similarities, and I'm willing to wager a lot of Dreamcast fans own Wii U systems, but many more are apprehensive after DC's failure. This move might win many of them over.

JGR featured some awesome music I still listen to today, if SEGA and Nintendo get the right music for this game it will sell itself.

And my final argument: Jet Grind radio was a lot of fun. I'd play that game for hours on end. A fun game is always a safe bet. I'd grind and grind for hours to get the best scores, with no one to show, but now, playing for high scores takes on a new meaning with Miiverse. Again the fun factor is multiplied.

And this is how you save the Wii U. With Jet Grind Radio as a system exclusive.

Homodachi Life.

This whole #Miiquality deal reminds me of the time PETA went against Nintendo for Mario's tanooki fur suit.

It's not helping their cause at all.

We're talking about a game made by a bunch of middle-aged Japanese men. They did not push the gays out, they probably didn't notice that they were waiting outside in the first place.

Throw an avalanche of hate in their direction, when they're already in trouble financially, and of course they're going to come out with an awkward,  panicked response that can be easily torn apart by the frenzied masses and turned agains them.

They realized that they made a mistake.  They did not do it on purpose, but they see it's a big deal.  They promised it won't happen again.  But the masses are still wielding torches and pitchforks.  They want Iwata's head on a plate.

The same thing happened when Anita Sarkeesian called them out on their sexist ways. They listened and they changed. Peach is now a heroine instead of a damsel in distress.

The LGBT community now has an ally in Nintendo. I hope they realize that before they drive them to bankruptcy.