You know nothing, Clive Rosfield

OK so I just beat FFXVI. I don't feel good.

FFXVI is the reason I bought a PS5 while it was still very scarce. I didn't buy it from a scalper, but I put a lot of effort into buying at MSRP. And well.... The only reason I don't regret the purchase is because I got to play Cyberpunk 2077 on it after Stadia shut down.

There's been a lot of discourse on the game and how it's not a JRPG (and how JRPG is not a thing anymore), but you're here to read my opinion, and I think mine does not align with the general public's.

The short of it is that I will, more likely than not, skip the next roman-numbered entry in the franchise.

For some reason the suits at Square-Enix decided that the only reason people "settled" for turn-based RPGs was because we thought "action" was a technological wonder beyond our console's capacity. It seems that from day one, they were afraid we'd realize there have been action, and action-adventure games in existence since before FFI existed.

Maybe that's why the named it "Final Fantasy". Maybe they thought "That's it, we're finished, players have realized that they don't need a menu to attack. This will be our final game. We can't compete against Double Dragon."

I chose DD for this amusing bit, not only because it was released on the same year as Final Fantasy, but also because it's of the same genre as FFXVI; a beat-em-up.

The game's core gameplay mechanic is repeatedly hitting things with a sword, and occasionally pulling a special move previously withheld by a charge bar or a cooldown timer. Sure, you can squeeze more out of the game if you learn to chain those moves together, but the game does not reward you for it, and every other beat-em-up does it way better anyway. One thing that could have easily made the beat-em-up mechanics more interesting was never given a chance; Just imagine if combat was influenced by status ailments, elemental affinities, and party synergy. Somehow, I failed to notice this during the Morbol (I see now why they renamed the Malboro) fight in the demo.

About the combat mechanics.

Why would I play FFXVI for the combos if Bayonetta 3 still exists? Why, for the same reason fans chose to play Final Fantasy when Double Dragon already existed back in 87! Wait, what? They took that away too? Aw maaaan...

Turns out they took away what made FF special all along! The inspiring fantasy setting, the memorable music, the silly monsters, the strategizing, the battle complexity, the resource management...

Spoilers ahead!

The developers have made no efforts in hiding that their game is a blatant Game of Thrones rip-off. But it's not even a good one. Sure, the game does political intrigue and all that jazz, but the whole thing is rushed towards the franchise's typical deicide plot reveal. You know, when the evil king/emperor guy is revealed to be a puppet of an otherworldly being bent on destroying the world? The thing is that once the game reaches that point the politics have long stopped to matter and are thus quickly forgotten. The game telegraphs this early on, so there's no incentive to engage with the politics and worldbuilding at all. All that matters is getting to Ultima.

About the Game of Thrones fuckery.

The bad GOT influence doesn't stop there. Like the average middle-schooler, the developers assumed "mature" means using foul language and showing skin that doesn't add anything to the game.

One thing that made GOT popular was the death of beloved characters. And while FFXVI makes it a point to explain to the audience that you can't bring back someone from the dead with magic, no one really dies. Everything that Clive loses during the prologue comes back: His dog, his chocobo, his adopted sister/lover, his brothers, his brother's secret servants. The only one who dies for sure is his dad and a handful inconsequential NPCs. Also, hundreds of nameless people.

About halfway through there is another death, this time Cid, but just like before, everyone else (who matters) survives a catastrophe.

I think this would have been a great opportunity to introduce Fire Emblem style permadeath, but that would require being able to take multiple units to battle.

In XVI You only really control Clive. Up to two characters and a dog (but even my kids realized early on that the dog is a gameplay mechanic, not a character) can join you, but they literally disappear into the background.

Now's a good time to remind the audience that this company produced FFXV and FFVII Remake, two excellent action RPGs (you thought I just hated action RPGs, didn't you?) where the protagonist's companions are always part of the action and the story. And before that there was FFXII and FFXIII where players could focus on the main characters while the rest of the party's moved independently while still following your leadership.

There's no gambit, paradigm, or blindside system in place, they just do their thing, adding a negligible bit of damage to battles. You don't get to find better equipment for them. You don't need to heal them. Worse of all, they all get left behind when you get to the final boss. Quite literally every character but Clive is an NPC.

I personally didn't play FF in 1987 because I was too busy playing Double Dragon. I was a child. I wasn't into games that required reading. Somehow Square-Enix thinks we're maturing the other way around, Benjamin Button like.

Now with all the Game of Thrones meets Double Dragon business going on, you'd think there's very little room, for Final fantasy, and you'd be correct. There are only a few vestiges of the franchise left.

Spells? Some NPCs cast them, sure.

Summons? You get "dominants."

A vast world to explore? Kinda. Fast travel is mandatory, and both ignored by the narrative and used as a plot device.

Airships? You get a groan-worthy fakeout.

Cactuars? They're mentioned. Come to think of it, most FF staples are reduced to being mentioned by an NPC or as props that kinda look like one. Like the Black Mage scarecrows and Mid's White Mage doll. An actual FF game making FF references like they don't own the franchise. Sure, they replaced horses with chocobos, that's easy enough, right? Nope, they still call them steeds. Also get ready for dead chocobos and zombie chocobos. Nothing is sacred anymore. There's no cheerful music to make riding a joy either, you only get one chocobo and it has an edgy eyepatch. To be fair, Moogles are reduced to plushies in many modern entries, and I was delighted to see a live one here.

But before I get carried away; No, there is no definite checklist of requirements on what makes a game Final Fantasy. VII went cyberpunk while still feeling like part of the franchise. Then the Ivalice Alliance games made a whole sub-franchise work. Then XV gave you a car and American Express, Coleman and Cup Noodle product placement. Look at other Square-Enix games like Bravely Default and Octopath Traveler. They feel FF without being FF.

And that's the thing. XVI feels less FF than non-franchise games, and it all comes around to the two major sins of this game; trying and failing to both be GOT a beat-em-up.

Besides all that, what's up with the stiff motion capture? It's so bad I think the voice actors assumed a stiff monotone speech pattern to match the screen. It's bad when Clive laughs or even tries to sound happy. I have seen more emotive Muppets.

What's up with the silly quick-time events? Why did they suddenly become afraid of long cutscenes?

What's up with the 4-character cap? The 3-Eikon cap? Can't the PS5 handle more?

Fine. I guess some stuff I liked.

The visuals were overall pretty, even knowing they stole the aesthetics from GOT. The flashiness of combat does a great job at hiding how shallow it is (see Morbol note above). I loved Cid as a character. The story was enough to motivate me to finish the game.

I liked the accessibility items, to an extent.

The Ring of Timely Strikes lets me automate the beat-em-up. I used it whenever I knew I had to plow through waves of minions, or traverse large areas with random encounters, and whenever I unlocked new abilities that felt complicated to use but I wanted to see in action. After a while it felt like cheating and I would swap it out for the Ring of Timely Assistance, which only automates Torgal.

I tried the Ring of Timely Focus on for about half of the game, which slows down the game to dodge attacks, because the Ring of Timely Evasion felt like cheating. Then I decided dodging is not something I want from an RPG, so I left Timely Evasion on until I finished the game. It allowed me to focus on watching the cooldowns and gauges, and afforded me the luxury of being occasionally distracted, a major selling point for turn-based games. Also, it made the Ring of Timely Healing unnecessary, freeing up an equipment slot.

What would be perfect (I have it on good authority that everyone at Square-Enix subscribes to Downcast, you guys can have this for free, it should be easy to patch). Would be a ring (let's call it Ring of Martial Mastery) that automated Clive's weapon attacks and positioning, but still left the eikonic special moves to the player, much like FFVII Remake did.

In the meantime, I have the ultimate FF machine, the Nintendo Switch. I can just go to the eshop and grab a remastered copy of pretty much every game in the series until XII. I think I'll grab XII as a palate cleanser.

I'm too old for Splatoon, but I can't stop playing.

I've been hella busy lately, so here's a quick update on Splatoon:

So. being the bona-fide Nintendo fanboy that I am, I was quite exited to hear about Splatoon. But I was cautiously optimistic. I thought it had the potential to be a hit, but it would certainly not be for me.

Then they released the "testfire" stress test/demo, and I had to give it a try. Not only was the game lots of fun, but I was actually quite good at it! Then there was another test, and I was kicking ass! So of course I wanted the game!

Nintendo had made a formula in which casual players could be good at a competitive first person shooter! And it's an awesome game!

Then came the updates. They added new weapons, and new maps, each more complex and harder to master. And that was a problem. I was falling behind. I was great with the newbie weapons, and I knew the newbie maps like the back of my hand, but the kids with the fast reflexes and the zero responsibilities started gaining an advantage. Things get so intense I end up with a headache if i play too long. Yep. it's no longer a relaxing activity.

So here I am, with twelve-year-old kids running circles around me. Aching to play with adults. I tried for about 6 months to form a regular "squad". For a few weeks I had a "regular group", and as we played it would turn out they were little kids too.

To this day, none of my friends play the game, either. Not even those who have it!

So I think the problem with this IP is that Nintendo made it too focused towards millennials. And it's a shame because it's a great game. I still have hopes that they perfect the ranking and matchmaking algorithms so that I don't have a stroke playing this game.

My Egress from Ingress

Some of you might have heard of this game called Ingress. Lemme tell you about it, from my biased point of view.

The concept is fascinating, really. Google overlays an MMO over Google Maps. Meaning that in order to move your avatar in the game world, you have to move your smartphone in the real world. "Augmented reality" they call it. They tie places of interest in reality to "portals" in-game. You have to go to those portals and claim them. It's fun. Then you trace lines along these portals, and when you form a triangle it's filled in your faction's color, successfully claiming that turf for your loyal faction.

The game features minimalistic graphics, and gives verbal cues to most actions, so that you may play while you walk. Headphones are suggested on the load screen.

"Hold on, m'homie" you may be wondering. "Do I have to get off my couch for this?" you may ask. Yes. Yes you have. You have to get out there, and if you're serious about it, or if you want your faction's approval, you have to get in your car and spend some serious gas money on it. Now, before you run away, I assure you, the game ties in-game locations to places of interest. So you should be leaving your house to see cool places! Every time you play it's an adventure! At least in theory. In reality you will find most portals are garbage. Somehow Google thought it would be good to let users submit portals in order to mine the data and profit by measuring human traffic... but the result was players who wanted more portals started reporting bus stops, lawn ornaments, signs and such as portals, and Google played along. You will spend your day running from uninteresting location to uninteresting location.

"But it sure is worth it, right?" You may ask next. "Capturing all those portals and claiming the land for your faction sounds satisfying!" Sure. Sure it is. Until some jerk from the other faction shows up and claims them. Portals usually last a day or two. You're not meant to keep them forever. It takes a while to realize Ingress is a plate-spinning game. The idea is to have as many going as possible, not to have them all. This can be extremely frustrating if you're outnumbered, or someone in the opposing faction is targeting you or even cheating.

And boy, is there cheating! It's a well known fact that some players play from their couches, spoofing coordinates in a PC running an Android emulator. Targeting large fields and remote portals. These people never seem to get banned. Google provides a nice "intel" page that players may peruse to plan their trips. Some players, however, use forbidden apps that mine this system for extra information, this allows the cheater to virtually stalk other players and harass them. Of course, if you ask these cheaters, they will say they're just hardcore and insist it's OK to break the rules as long as you don't like them.

But then there's those who don't cheat the game, but still have an unfair advantage, and use it to troll other players. I can think of many examples, but some may come off as whiny, so I'll skip to the worst. There is an actual police officer that actively plays while on duty. Pretty much funding his Ingress addiction with taxpayer dollars. He will use his badge to get to hard-to-reach places and will use his uniform to intimidate others. If that doesn't make you want to flip a table, I don't know what will.

"What about the community?" I'm assuming you asked. Well they're OK. You'll meet fun people, and may even organize fun expeditions. But then there's the stalkers, the faction-switchers, the spies... then there's the roleplayers...

Google has made a point to give the game an RPG feel by adding a "backstory". They gave names to the factions and have even established recurring characters that come up in social media posts. Some players play along and that's fine. I'm a fan of RPGs myself. But this is a game that takes place in real life. And it's freaking scary when people do it as part of their regular lives. Some take the grudge between the factions too far and make threatening posts and such. It creates a very hostile environment.

So basically it's everything I hate about an MMO, without any of the things I like about MMOs. Eventually I got tired of coming home late because I had to spin so many plates on my way. I got tired of blocking the creepy players. I got tired of trash talking. I got tired of reporting fake portals. I got tired of visiting lawn ornaments and road signs. I got tired of the endless notifications. I got tired of being antagonized by fucking Robocop. I own many games that are far better and require far less effort. If you need me, I'll be playing Tetris.

Outdated Review: The "Denpa" Men: They Came By Wave

OK. There's a free demo out there for this game, so I won't waste my time telling you why you should get this game. Just play the demo.

I, however, want to tell you why you should get the demo. Denpa men is a JRPG in the classical sense, a dungeon-crawler if you will. But at the same time it's a very interesting experiment.

[insert flashback sound effect here]

Back in the day, when games were about gaming and not about story, RPG's (now known a JRPG's, before the gaijin ruined the genre) were the exception. These games were meant to be more of an interesting interactive story, inspired by classic western table-top RPG's (circle closed). Somehow one of the tropes of the genre was that battles had to be strategic, and turn based. Whenever a game broke away from the formula and added action, it was demoted to an "adventure" game.

The thing was, that the general impression was that if you wanted a really good story, you wanted an RPG, and usually that meant muscling through hours of tedious grind. You had to work HARD for your story (or you could just buy a book). Anyway, my point is, the 16-bit era was tough. WE had it tough. Kids nowadays get all kinds of cool stories even with the dumbest of first person shooters.

Curious thing, though, is that many of us eventually got used to the grind, and learned to appreciate it. Denpa Men is all about this. The turn-based combat. The strategic building of a team. The dungeon crawling. The story? Meh. You won't be buying this game for the story, sorry. But bear with me.

They took all the fun things about JRPG combat and streamlined it all the way. For example, when an enemy hits all your guys, you're just told how much damage they received in average (their individual gauges in the lower screen show HP in detail, still). When you set all your guys to attack, the animation shows them just rushing and ganging up on the enemy, then you're told the total damage made. Your party is made of 8 guys, so imagine having to wait for all of them to attack! If you've ever played a JRPG, you know most of the time you just set all of your party to attack! But you know what they did? They made an "everybody just attack" button! Oh, sweet, glorious grind! Sure, sometimes you need to do other stuff, and those get their own animations, but it's still pretty smooth. All commands are given at the beginning of the turn, Dragon Quest style, so you can use your touchscreen to give the specific orders, then when you're done, hit the "all attack" button to set everybody else on attack mode.

They even threw in an auto mode, so everybody attacks unless their "Antenna Power" is useful. You gotta approach this one with caution. It may make things a bit too easy. The AI for the auto is pretty meta, this means anybody with an attack or debuff power will use it unless the enemy is impervious to it and, healers will only heal when necessary. So it makes exploiting the enemies' weaknesses a bit to easy. Unless you do what I do and spend your day fine-tuning your powers and equipment into a deadly, fail-proof, auto-mode machine.

There's the added gimmick of HOW you find the Denpa Men. Somehow the game reads radio waves around you and generates Denpa men from them. The game's backstory is that Denpa (literally "radio waves" in Japanese) reside in radio waves, so basically they reside in actual locations. You will find specific Denpa men on your living room whenever you scan it, then some more at work. They each have a name, color, face,  personality and are attached to a real-life location, so you will find yourself recognizing them, even if you don't catch them. These personalities would be more amusing if they spoke throughout the game, but they only speak when you chose to talk to them. Yes, they totally acknowledge you as the player, and their strategist.

Anyways, the game is an interesting experiment in which they made a JRPG that's all about the grind and not really about the story. And it works. The monsters are adorable, dungeons are pretty neat, and music is super catchy, so you find yourself grinding for fun.  Buy it, it's only ten bucks. Get the demo if you don't believe me.

Endgame Review: Nintendogs + cats

I got this coupon in the mail for a discount on a used game, and they didn’t have much used games in store so I grabbed a copy of Nintendogs +cats.

Seriously, though. That was my choice. My reasoning was that I wanted a game I could pick up and put down at random intervals, mainly so I could play at work. My daughter had the original game a few years back and I found playing with the puppies to be quite relaxing.

How do I go about describing this game to you? Well, in layman’s terms it’s a virtual pet. You feed it, bathe it, walk it and play with it, then it gets hungry, thirsty and dirty and you start over again. The game relies on touchscreen controls, as well as the camera and microphone, so in essence you can touch and talk to your puppy, and it can see you and recognize you as well, this makes an ever greater bond between you and the virtual canine (you can also use the pedometer to “walk with your dog”, but the rewards you get aren’t that great and it has the frustrating habit of rounding your steps DOWN by the thousand). I still smile when my pup turns to face me when I call her name, or notices I’m staring. It is all very relaxing, almost therapeutic, and the puppies are just delightful to watch. Nintendo really knows how to exploit the ages-old bond between homo sapiens and canis lupus.

Now, in gamer’s terms… meh, it’s hardly even a game! Everything in the game is so organic I was never certain whether I did something wrong or my puppy was having an attitude with me. Did I lose the race or did the dog lose it? Did I mispronounce the command or was the puppy distracted? This doesn’t ever get to the point of being frustrating – I mean, c’mon, puppies! – But it does make me wonder. You can teach your dog tricks, which is really cute. However, you need to say the commands out loud, which, even if you’re not embarrassed to do in public, isn’t feasible because it won’t hear you over the slightest background noise. Playing outside is the reason I bought a handheld system in the first place! Also, when you first take them for a walk they start off with a lot of bad habits you can gradually break by tugging at the leash and giving them a treat if they settle down, I mention this in the videogame part because you really need to pay attention while on these walks (or else your dog will do horrible things like rolling in puddles, chasing birds, humping your leg and eating roadkill). Not as relaxing as I wanted.

The most game-like portion are the competitions, there’s flying disk, lure chasing and obedience trials. You need to practice with your pup at home and it needs to gradually get better. So no matter how good you are at flicking that disk off your touchscreen, reeling the lure in or how well you enunciate your command, your pup will suck for a while. And when it’s gotten good, sometimes it just fails (again, you never know if the game’s not responding or if your puppy is trolling you). As a reward for winning a competition you are granted access to a more advanced competition, when you beat the last one you get an item your pup can wear, like a cheesy-looking crown or a medal, nothing awesome. This can only motivate you so far.

I also want to discuss the use of AR cards. You can use them to watch your dog and take pictures of it, and if you print an AR card image enlarged to fit a letter-sized page, the dog will be pretty close to the size of a real dog, which is really neat. Too bad you can’t do much with the dog in this game mode. The obedience competitions force you to play in AR mode, so not only do you need a quiet place so your pup can hear your commands; you also need a bright place to place your AR card and plenty of room to move around. I haven’t gotten any far in these competitions simply because it’s such a hassle.

Everything else flows too organically. Progress in general is measured in “trainer points” you gain when you take care of your puppies, which you have to do anyway, so in the end it’s only a matter of time until you start unlocking things, like accessories, toys and more breeds to adopt. In addition your pup will constantly pick up junk on walks that may be recycled and exchanged for rare items (that you unlock with trainer points). I hadn’t even beaten all the competitions and I think I have all the endgame content.

Speaking of endgame content, besides the fact that you get it for practically no effort, it’s not really gratifying. There’s a secret breed that is actually a robot puppy. Now there’s a dog that does everything just like every other breed, but is made of shiny plastic! Great job at holding the suspension of disbelief! Ugh. Besides, it’s ugly. There’s also a sci-fi house that also makes everything look fake. After I spent a fortune on it I went and bought back the default home so it feels more like pets in a house instead of cartoons.

The game puts the StreetPass and SpotPass features to good use. Whenever you tag someone with the game, their mii and pets come over and show up on your game on occasion, you can also share pictures from the game, but since AR pictures are also allowed, gratuitous penis shots are always a possibility. They also send special guests over SpotPass on occasion, normally former US presidents and their pets.

The graphics are amazing and the dogs have great detail, the backgrounds are pretty plain, but get the job done. The menus are very elegant and intuitive, except at the beginning after you choose your first puppy, then you have to wait until it gets used to your house before you can do anything with it. ANYTHING! When I bought the game, before I wiped the save, it had a mangy, dirty dog running around that hadn’t even been named! Apparently the previous owner got tired of waiting for a menu to appear. The sound isn’t great though, some of the breeds’ barks sound like adult dogs instead of puppies, and the Siberian Husky has a weird echo to it. Other sounds like panting, drinking and eating (generic to all breeds including robopup (I know, weird, huh?)) seem to have been captured in a studio using props, and while they do the trick over the speakers, they sound awful on headphones. The music is definitely Nintendo-grade. My biggest issue, though, was battery usage. Apparently since this game constantly uses every single piece of hardware on the handheld (well except the motion sensors), my battery would last, say, about half as much as with other games!

The verdict: Buy the game if you’re into virtual pets, time-wasters, or want to fully exploit every feature the system has to offer. Don’t buy the game if you are expecting challenging gameplay, any kind of rewards, or can’t devote time to it. Also, the game is definitely not for little kids, it requires patience and dedication.

Endgame Review: Face Raiders

In case you're wondering "What is this? An endgame review? But there was no review to begin with!" I suppose you're right, though I did mention it on the review for the console. I decided it to do an endgame review now because I did beat the game, I have nothing else to do, and because I felt like I owed you a follow up on that article I wrote about Nintendo's pack-in games. On that post, I mentioned the possibility of these games being killer apps, thus justifying the poor launch line up.

By definition, a killer app is a piece of software that is so good or essential it justifies the purchase of its required hardware, a console seller, if you will.

When you first launch Face Raiders, it'll ask you to take your own picture, aligning it to two dots and a line for the eyes and mouth. When you're done, the face pops away from the picture, laughs at you, and goes on a rampage. The following level has you shooting tennis balls at your own face. If you beat the level the face is added to your collection.

Gameplay-wise it's overly simplistic and at times reminiscent of an old-school space shooter. You see a target and you shoot it. You see a power-up and you shoot it. You see a projectile hurling towards you and you shoot it (or try to dodge it). Then you meet a boss, you figure out its movement patterns, invulnerable spots and weak spots, and hit it repeatedly until it's gone. Eventually targets become harder to hit, either by speed, shields, trickery or sheer multiplicity. There is a total of 6 levels, all played slightly differently. While fun, these facts alone do not sell games, let alone consoles.

What sets this game apart from the rest is the console-specific gimmickry. Once you scan your face (with the internal 2-d camera), it'll try to guess your age and gender, draw a polygonal 3D face, and animate it in a range of expressions. It is really nifty! You will find yourself laughing out loud and even yelling at the little faces trying to smooch you. As you keep playing the game will ask you to take more pictures, and it'll find more clever ways to obtain faces for your collection (I won't spoil these for you). You may at any point curate your face collection by fine-tuning the settings for any face (age, gender, alignment) or just deleting the ones you don't like. Eventually you'll start experimenting with capturing faces from pictures in magazines and even your computer monitor of celebrities, fictitious characters, animals and inanimate objects. By the way, did you recognize the guy in the screenshot?

Then there's the fact that the aiming is controlled entirely through the system's accelerometers and gyroscopes. You stand still and become a turret of sorts, warding off the onslaught of floating faces coming from all directions. Unless you're in perfect shape, like me, you will find yourself tired halfway through a level, and you may find keeping the screen straight for the 3D visuals to work to be a bit of a hassle until you get enough practice. Swinging your 3DS around in a train station might not be a good idea, so you can only play this game in private or with friends – the main reason it took me so long to beat. The aiming is very responsive, intuitive and lots of fun; just not very convenient at times.

So, is Face Raiders a killer app? I don't think so, at least not in the conventional way. This game definitely showcases the console's capabilities, and even features a "show a friend" mode. But at most it may have people thinking "hey, that 3DS sure can do nifty things, I might want to buy one" rather than "OMFG FACERAIDERS IS SO AWESOIME I NEED A 3DS IN ORDER OT PLAY IT RITE NAO!!1"

If you don't own a 3DS but know someone who has and you want to see what nifty tricks the system can do, have him or her show you this game. If you get a 3DS, you get this game for free and it's definitely worth at least one play-around. If you want a killer app to justify blowing $250 on a cosmo black 3DS, stand by for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D.

Endgame Review: Metroid: Other M

Welcome to the second in a series of endgame reviews (don’t get too used to them because I probably won’t buy any more games until the 3DS comes out). The subject this time is Metroid: Other M. I beat the game, beat the epilogue with 73% item collection and went back for a 100%.

This is an awesome game, and if you’re wondering why I always give good reviews, it’s because these games actually cost me money. I actually have to research a game and see if it’s worth it before I go get it. I won’t buy a game if I’m not sure I’ll love it. So my reviews will normally be either "love it" or "slightly disappointed". Just in case one of you decided to post a comment and call me biased or anything.

What I liked the most about this game is how it went back to its roots (I know you’ve been getting that a lot from me lately) and brought some innovative concepts forward at the same time. This, my friends, is what I had in mind when I was a kid and I would daydream about the future of video games. It plays like a 16-bit masterpiece, and while it sure is prettier; none of the bells and whistles take away from that feeling. The story is good enough to keep me coming for more (and to motivate me to beat some tough bosses), the graphics are just beautiful and the sound is perfect. In conclusion, Metroid: Other M is an all-around great game. There were a few details here and there that sort of annoyed me, but ever so slightly, so when I point them out it’s not because they ruined the game for me, but you might want to be warned in case it’s the kind of thing that would ruin it for you.

The story was good but not great. At times I found myself seeing right through it. Then there was the voice acting, a first in the Metroid series. During an interview I heard they wanted the actress to speak as herself. The result is hard to explain, but it definitely works. Her speech is almost expressionless, paused and cold. Sometimes to an extent that you wonder if she was actually reading straight off the script. Some picky gamers might criticize this, as they usually expect Oscar-worthy acting. But this is a good thing, though. I mean, what else would you expect from a chick whose parents got hacked up in front of her and got her genes messed with by aliens as a kid and now commits genocide for a living? Nah, it was just fine, in fact the scenes in which things get more intense can feel a bit overacted simply because you don’t expect her to be so emotional. But then again, women, am I right, guys?

Speaking of femininity, another issue that came up during my first review was booty so I wanted to let you know what the rest of the game was like, booty-wise. Yes, on almost every scene in which she is in her zero suit the camera will slowly drift down and almost subliminally focus on her rear end. But these scenes are scarce; Nintendo didn’t want Samus taking off her armor just because. Besides, even when they did, it was all in good taste. I never felt uncomfortable playing with my daughters in the room. Normally she just "clears" the helmet’s visor to reveal her eyes and this gives her all the expression needed for the narrative.

Another issue that came up was Samus being submissive. I find this preposterous because people are seeing her following orders as some sort of weird Japanese sex slave fetish thing. You got this all wrong you sickos! First, the following of orders is just a very clever plot device to justify Samus not starting up with all the sweet power-ups she just got in Super Metroid. I’d rather have this than have all her cool stuff taken away like everyone else does in sequels. Second, Samus clearly states she sees the man giving the orders as a father-figure, and that she decides to stay because she cares for the security of the soldiers on board, one of them a close friend. She’s not trying to get into their pants, she just happens to care! SHEESH!

One thing I really appreciated was the attention to detail. In Iwata's interview Yosuke Hayashi mentioned how he coordinated the in-game sounds and graphics with the ones in the in-game and pre-rendered cut scenes. This creates a great sense of immersion. If a window breaks in a cut scene, next time you run by you’ll hear the glass crunching underneath your feet. Some scenes will play seamlessly during game play and in many cases the camera will even switch to a 1st person using the same HUD you’d see and hear when you’d point your Wiimote at the screen. You will see the Wiimote reticle scanning the characters on screen and the health bar will still display YOUR health and how many missiles you actually have at the moment. The only problem with this is that sometimes you have no idea that you’ve lost control, and then don’t know when you’ve regained it. This can be very frustrating when it’s done during a boss battle or very annoying when you’re left (or you think you are) in “scan mode” until you find the one clue. Again, I absolutely love the immersion this brings, but some sort of cue would be nice.

Speaking of frustration, the difficulty levels in this game are weird. Some times it feels too easy and sometimes it feels too hard. My hypothesis is that since they did such a great job at emulating the old-school controls and game play I was already good at in when I picked it up. My constant search for power-ups probably helped, too. Platforming and treasure finding were easy, but just enough not to be boring, and I only found some bosses difficult enough to make me smash my Wiimote through the TV. With these you have to be killed a few times over until you've had enough time to observe their behavior and their reaction to your different types of attacks. Only then, when you have a plan, they’re a piece of cake. The final (the penultimate if you consider the epilogue) boss had me so frustrated I had to take a two week break! But then after thinking about it for a while (and googling up some tips) it was pretty easy.

Part of the Metroid tradition is finding items to upgrade your suit, some essential power-ups are revealed as the game progresses (like hidden behind a door you had to open to get to a new area) while the more optional items are hidden (none of the scientists on the Bottle Ship owned Chozo Power Suits to upgrade so it didn’t make sense for them to have these ancient artifacts taking up valuable shelf space). Some items give you visual clues (an open ventilation panel!), others appear as a dot on the map (and then you try to find access to it) and some are just hidden in ridiculous places you would never check under normal circumstances. When you beat the game you get to come back for a short epilogue, this time around the game will tell you the percentage of items you?ve collected, overall and within each area. All items will be revealed as dots on the map as well. It is kind of amusing backtracking and finding something in a weird place you absolutely overlooked. At the same time it can feel less rewarding since they’re practically given away, so make sure you?ve looked EVERYWHERE before you go for the final boss (you’ll know when you see it).

Previous Metroid games would offer better ending sequences based on how fast you beat the game or on how many items you collected. This time around the ending is always the same, only at the end of the epilogue a screen will show you your item collection percentage and a voiceover congratulates you accordingly. I got an enthusiastic "excellent!" with my 73% and a dull "Perfect… Congratulations" from my 100%. In my opinion, once you beat the game you've probably found all the "good" items. Anything you may have left behind is probably either missile tanks or energy tanks. You can recharge your missiles anytime with only one split second of regeneration, so the extra missiles are practically pointless. Regular monsters rarely only take away one full tank between save points and bosses either obliterate you before you know what’s going on or you figure them out fast enough to find a weak spot and an occasional opportunity to regenerate. So the replay value is there but only if that’s your kind of thing.

When you reach 100% you unlock "Hard mode". I tried it for a while and it looks like the little bugs loitering in the hallways could have killed me if I was not careful, but only because they did more damage. As soon as I realized all my power-ups were gone I turned it off… You know that sensation you get when there's a power failure and you have to start all over from your last save? In this game you have to slowly adjust your play style as you gain more powers, then when they're stripped off it feels like you're learning to play a new game. Besides, you also unlock "theater mode" when you beat the game so you can just watch it if you think you missed anything (like I did). I may try to play again when Sonic 4 gets old, if I don't trade it in first. There are a couple WiiWare games I've been wanting to try.

Also, a word of warning: There is a glitch in this game that may render your save unplayable by locking a door forever. I don’t know if Nintendo plans to recall the bad software or at least correct the glitch in disks burned from now on, so just in case be careful (it can be easily avoided). It happens when you backtrack to a save point after defeating a certain boss. I got used to finding timely save points so I never backtracked after any boss battles (especially since I could always regenerate) and never triggered the bug. I really hope Nintendo learned their lesson: either allow games to patch or hire better testers. Maybe they could launch a free WiiWare "app" that patches your save file.

This game is freaking awesome and I sure as hell hope Nintendo makes the next sequel using this format. I can only imagine the wonders they’d accomplish using this control scheme while not being limited by the game being a sequel and a prequel at the same time.

Endgame Review: Monster Hunter Tri (3)

Welcome to the first in a series of endgame reviews. What I want to achieve with these is to give some deeper insight of different games I’ve played as soon as I am entirely done with them, either because I “finish” them, get tired of them or something happens to them.

I’d like to start with Monster Hunter Tri (click for the original article) . This one I traded in for Metroid: Other M. In story mode I never really beat it but I got pretty far. In online mode I got to the exact middle of the “ranking” spectrum.

I really liked this game, and I still recommend it. Sometimes I think I traded it in out of impulse, only because I was REALLY hyped about Other M. It was fun to play and I still had a lot I could do.

The only issue I had was with online matchmaking. It was truly frustrating at times. I simply don’t know what the hell they were thinking when they set the servers up like that. I can think of a thousand ways they could have made finding a good group to play with a lot easier, especially when they already had a ranking system.

You literally have to log in to one “server”, log in to a “gate” and look through all of the “cities” for a suitable group that is close to your ranking and not in the middle of a quest. Then you have to convince them to go hunting whatever it is you’re hunting. Sure, there were “recruiting” servers that allowed you to specify, in a city you opened, what your immediate goal was; but each “gate” within was entirely separate so you still had to do the in-out search, and of course, most players were in the regular servers anyway.

The connection to a server and then a gate is done via the game’s main menu, but from that point forward you have to navigate the gate as your avatar which adds the game’s loading to the wait. There is no point really to being in a “gate” except that you could chat there or use the in-game messaging, which is done via menus, anyway.

There is a “friend roster” function but it is a pain in the butt. The navigating through menus and asking for permission… You could only send messages to your friends if they were standing by, not when hunting (basically barely ever). Then, when you finally get a hold of them you can’t join them because there are already 3 more people in their “city”, or they’re busy doing a specific quest. There was no offline messaging, either, even though the Wii supports an in-console inbox. That was just stupid.

This system would have worked if this were another kind of game, but not for a game in which groups of no more than 4 players go on an epic battle that could last about an hour and requires some minutes of getting ready. That’s a lot of waiting.

Part of the blame for this actually goes to the game community (or to the game designers relying too much on player cooperation). You see, in this kind of game there are no experience points, you earn the experience yourself, and you can share it with new players. Even when you’ve reaching the “endgame” content where you have the best weapons and armor, the first monsters are still fun to hunt and, while not terrifyingly challenging, they can still kill you in a few hits if you don’t apply the same strategy you learned as a newbie. Also, there are usually sub quests and sometimes even (tougher) monsters not involved in the mission running wild that you could hunt for fun and profit.

What I’m trying to say is that if experienced players didn’t mind playing with newbies, everybody would always have a group to play with. But the old players are too selfish, only hunting creatures that would give them decent rewards or even concentrating in one specific monster for the parts they need for an upgrade. It takes a good deal of begging to have them join your hunt. On the other hand, some newbies will literally go gather herbs and mushrooms and let the experienced players do the killing, only to show up at the last minute to carve parts out of the cold carcass. Too bad you can’t PK them.

Maybe Japanese players have figured this out over the course of many iterations of the franchise, therefore not needing a more complex matchmaking system, but a more refined matchmaking system would’ve been of benefit to hardcore players or newcomers from across the pacific. When I applied the mantra I just mentioned I’d always find a party. I’d always make an amount of cash relative to the amount of effort (I could always sell the parts I didn’t need) and it was fun showing off in front of the newbies, especially when a tougher monster showed up and I was all like “We’ll keep the Rathian busy while you n00bs hunt the Qurupeco!” It was also fun when tougher players joined us n00bs and showed us how it was done. Players like these I’d add to my roster, and they’d often add me, we were among the few that really got it. But one cannot play like this all the time. Eventually we all want to rise through the rankings and to get the best weapons and armor, and it’s really frustrating when you’re the only one cooperating.