You know nothing, Clive Rosfield

OK so I just beat FFXVI. I don't feel good.

FFXVI is the reason I bought a PS5 while it was still very scarce. I didn't buy it from a scalper, but I put a lot of effort into buying at MSRP. And well.... The only reason I don't regret the purchase is because I got to play Cyberpunk 2077 on it after Stadia shut down.

There's been a lot of discourse on the game and how it's not a JRPG (and how JRPG is not a thing anymore), but you're here to read my opinion, and I think mine does not align with the general public's.

The short of it is that I will, more likely than not, skip the next roman-numbered entry in the franchise.

For some reason the suits at Square-Enix decided that the only reason people "settled" for turn-based RPGs was because we thought "action" was a technological wonder beyond our console's capacity. It seems that from day one, they were afraid we'd realize there have been action, and action-adventure games in existence since before FFI existed.

Maybe that's why the named it "Final Fantasy". Maybe they thought "That's it, we're finished, players have realized that they don't need a menu to attack. This will be our final game. We can't compete against Double Dragon."

I chose DD for this amusing bit, not only because it was released on the same year as Final Fantasy, but also because it's of the same genre as FFXVI; a beat-em-up.

The game's core gameplay mechanic is repeatedly hitting things with a sword, and occasionally pulling a special move previously withheld by a charge bar or a cooldown timer. Sure, you can squeeze more out of the game if you learn to chain those moves together, but the game does not reward you for it, and every other beat-em-up does it way better anyway. One thing that could have easily made the beat-em-up mechanics more interesting was never given a chance; Just imagine if combat was influenced by status ailments, elemental affinities, and party synergy. Somehow, I failed to notice this during the Morbol (I see now why they renamed the Malboro) fight in the demo.

About the combat mechanics.

Why would I play FFXVI for the combos if Bayonetta 3 still exists? Why, for the same reason fans chose to play Final Fantasy when Double Dragon already existed back in 87! Wait, what? They took that away too? Aw maaaan...

Turns out they took away what made FF special all along! The inspiring fantasy setting, the memorable music, the silly monsters, the strategizing, the battle complexity, the resource management...

Spoilers ahead!

The developers have made no efforts in hiding that their game is a blatant Game of Thrones rip-off. But it's not even a good one. Sure, the game does political intrigue and all that jazz, but the whole thing is rushed towards the franchise's typical deicide plot reveal. You know, when the evil king/emperor guy is revealed to be a puppet of an otherworldly being bent on destroying the world? The thing is that once the game reaches that point the politics have long stopped to matter and are thus quickly forgotten. The game telegraphs this early on, so there's no incentive to engage with the politics and worldbuilding at all. All that matters is getting to Ultima.

About the Game of Thrones fuckery.

The bad GOT influence doesn't stop there. Like the average middle-schooler, the developers assumed "mature" means using foul language and showing skin that doesn't add anything to the game.

One thing that made GOT popular was the death of beloved characters. And while FFXVI makes it a point to explain to the audience that you can't bring back someone from the dead with magic, no one really dies. Everything that Clive loses during the prologue comes back: His dog, his chocobo, his adopted sister/lover, his brothers, his brother's secret servants. The only one who dies for sure is his dad and a handful inconsequential NPCs. Also, hundreds of nameless people.

About halfway through there is another death, this time Cid, but just like before, everyone else (who matters) survives a catastrophe.

I think this would have been a great opportunity to introduce Fire Emblem style permadeath, but that would require being able to take multiple units to battle.

In XVI You only really control Clive. Up to two characters and a dog (but even my kids realized early on that the dog is a gameplay mechanic, not a character) can join you, but they literally disappear into the background.

Now's a good time to remind the audience that this company produced FFXV and FFVII Remake, two excellent action RPGs (you thought I just hated action RPGs, didn't you?) where the protagonist's companions are always part of the action and the story. And before that there was FFXII and FFXIII where players could focus on the main characters while the rest of the party's moved independently while still following your leadership.

There's no gambit, paradigm, or blindside system in place, they just do their thing, adding a negligible bit of damage to battles. You don't get to find better equipment for them. You don't need to heal them. Worse of all, they all get left behind when you get to the final boss. Quite literally every character but Clive is an NPC.

I personally didn't play FF in 1987 because I was too busy playing Double Dragon. I was a child. I wasn't into games that required reading. Somehow Square-Enix thinks we're maturing the other way around, Benjamin Button like.

Now with all the Game of Thrones meets Double Dragon business going on, you'd think there's very little room, for Final fantasy, and you'd be correct. There are only a few vestiges of the franchise left.

Spells? Some NPCs cast them, sure.

Summons? You get "dominants."

A vast world to explore? Kinda. Fast travel is mandatory, and both ignored by the narrative and used as a plot device.

Airships? You get a groan-worthy fakeout.

Cactuars? They're mentioned. Come to think of it, most FF staples are reduced to being mentioned by an NPC or as props that kinda look like one. Like the Black Mage scarecrows and Mid's White Mage doll. An actual FF game making FF references like they don't own the franchise. Sure, they replaced horses with chocobos, that's easy enough, right? Nope, they still call them steeds. Also get ready for dead chocobos and zombie chocobos. Nothing is sacred anymore. There's no cheerful music to make riding a joy either, you only get one chocobo and it has an edgy eyepatch. To be fair, Moogles are reduced to plushies in many modern entries, and I was delighted to see a live one here.

But before I get carried away; No, there is no definite checklist of requirements on what makes a game Final Fantasy. VII went cyberpunk while still feeling like part of the franchise. Then the Ivalice Alliance games made a whole sub-franchise work. Then XV gave you a car and American Express, Coleman and Cup Noodle product placement. Look at other Square-Enix games like Bravely Default and Octopath Traveler. They feel FF without being FF.

And that's the thing. XVI feels less FF than non-franchise games, and it all comes around to the two major sins of this game; trying and failing to both be GOT a beat-em-up.

Besides all that, what's up with the stiff motion capture? It's so bad I think the voice actors assumed a stiff monotone speech pattern to match the screen. It's bad when Clive laughs or even tries to sound happy. I have seen more emotive Muppets.

What's up with the silly quick-time events? Why did they suddenly become afraid of long cutscenes?

What's up with the 4-character cap? The 3-Eikon cap? Can't the PS5 handle more?

Fine. I guess some stuff I liked.

The visuals were overall pretty, even knowing they stole the aesthetics from GOT. The flashiness of combat does a great job at hiding how shallow it is (see Morbol note above). I loved Cid as a character. The story was enough to motivate me to finish the game.

I liked the accessibility items, to an extent.

The Ring of Timely Strikes lets me automate the beat-em-up. I used it whenever I knew I had to plow through waves of minions, or traverse large areas with random encounters, and whenever I unlocked new abilities that felt complicated to use but I wanted to see in action. After a while it felt like cheating and I would swap it out for the Ring of Timely Assistance, which only automates Torgal.

I tried the Ring of Timely Focus on for about half of the game, which slows down the game to dodge attacks, because the Ring of Timely Evasion felt like cheating. Then I decided dodging is not something I want from an RPG, so I left Timely Evasion on until I finished the game. It allowed me to focus on watching the cooldowns and gauges, and afforded me the luxury of being occasionally distracted, a major selling point for turn-based games. Also, it made the Ring of Timely Healing unnecessary, freeing up an equipment slot.

What would be perfect (I have it on good authority that everyone at Square-Enix subscribes to Downcast, you guys can have this for free, it should be easy to patch). Would be a ring (let's call it Ring of Martial Mastery) that automated Clive's weapon attacks and positioning, but still left the eikonic special moves to the player, much like FFVII Remake did.

In the meantime, I have the ultimate FF machine, the Nintendo Switch. I can just go to the eshop and grab a remastered copy of pretty much every game in the series until XII. I think I'll grab XII as a palate cleanser.

Neither dungeons nor dragons

I’ve been a TTRPG enthusiast for more than 10 years now. I’ve tried many different systems and have even tried my hand in designing my own.

D&D was one of those games I played with different groups under different circumstances. Starting with 3rd edition (well, 3.5), then 4th, Pathfinder, and then 5th.

A trend I failed to notice at first was that the burden of buying the thick books and learning them was always assumed to be on the Dungeon Master. Players learned by doing whatever the DM told them, and sometimes borrowing (or pirating) the books.

This led to very authoritarian tables where everything the DM said was law. And any questioning of this authority would be punished in-game and at the table. The DM held the secrets of the game, and often they would place a physical barrier at the table to ensure this was clear. They had a story they wanted to tell, and they didn’t want the players to get any delusions of grandeur, so the first unwritten rule is that the rules only apply when the DM likes them. Of course, this adversarial relationship cultivated some resentment. I’ve watched games devolve into a competition of who gets to cheat the most in order to have a sense of agency.

I don’t want to talk about the toxic players, but I don’t want to seem like I’m ignoring the problem. Sure, I’ve met kind DMs, whom I still regard as friends, but I’ve cut ties with much more people. The truth remains that the game attracts some shitty people.

I saw how the community does a great job at highlighting the positive aspects of the hobby. And as I tried to learn more about the game the internet influencers made me feel I was playing the game wrong. There was only one way to find out.

So, about a year ago I decided to give D&D a chance. I wanted to read the books and learn the rules. I wanted to help new players learn the ropes without the influence of the jaded gatekeepers. Without the maze of third-party content, half-baked house rules, and habits held from previous editions. And I most certainly tried.

That’s when I learned the game, by itself, is unplayable. The Dungeon Master’s guide provides very specific and detailed rules for some things and leaves other things to the imagination. The game mechanics are fine tuned for a certain type of experience (mostly boardgame-like dungeon looting), but the game invites you to engage in open-world adventures with lots of character interactions. The game encourages DMs to make the game their own, but also burdens them with decades of lore. It’s a jumbled mess of archaic wargaming and modern roleplay. The reader is presented with pages upon pages of detailed game mechanics, followed by “or just do whatever, it’s just a game, tee hee!” quips.

Here’s the thing: They don’t have any incentive to polish or complete the game. D&D is to tabletop role-playing games what Google is to web search, so consumers don’t know about the thousands of well-thought-out games. On the other hand, they have an many incentives for keeping things vague. For starters, they don’t want to enrage the toxic fandom they’ve cultivated. As the saying goes, “nerds hate change.”

The result is that modern D&D is not a game, it’s a vibe, a tradition, a mood.

For players, it’s something they, or someone they know (or saw on TV) has been doing for 30 years.

For DMs, it’s something handed down to them by their dad, or a friend their dad’s age, along with a binder full of house-rules, a thumb drive full of dubious PDFs, a handful of miniatures, and the assurance that they’ll get to do whatever they want, and they’ll get free pizza in return.

Every revision of the game comes with neat ideas for players, and less resources for DMs. It’s a catalog with neat pictures of cool characters doing awesome things. It’s not marketed towards DMs, even though they do most of the spending.

That’s because DMs don’t need convincing; the toxic DMs get a captive audience and a weekly power trip, and the kind ones get a chance to please their friends, and a vast majority are just pressured into DMing.

It’s all a scam. They rely mostly on word-of-mouth, influencers, and product placement to make people want to join this lifestyle. New books published every so often entice old players to return by promising cool new features and more powerful characters. These players need DMs. These DMs need to cough up the money to buy the content the players want. 

The publisher doesn’t care if it’s an abusive DM, a reluctant DM, or a cheerful DM They don’t care what those DMs struggle with, if they play by the rules, or what third-party tools they must explore to make their shit game playable. It doesn’t matter as long as they consume, and that makes for a bad community, and a bad gaming experience.

D&D is to tabletop RPGs what Monopoly is to bard games: It’s the one everyone things of first, it’s the one people who don’t know better prefer to play, they keep coming up with stupid gimmicks, one player must do extra work, it’s not fun, people often end up arguing, and adding house rules usually makes things worse.

If you’ve made it this far, you probably expect some advice from me. How about don’t play D&D? If you must, don’t ask anyone to DM it, do it yourself and see what it’s like. If you’re an experienced DM… Why? There’re better games out there! Show some self-respect!

Stadia's she goes

Hey! Guys, have you heard of Stadia? It's really neat!

Sure, it's not better than your next-gen console or your PC worth thousands... wait, you don't have one? Then read on! You can play next gen games without spending a penny on hardware! As long as you have a stable internet connection, that is.

You just buy the game (digitally, of course) and you can play it on any computer! Even an old Chromebook! You can use almost any old controller you have lying around, or keyboard+mouse for some games! The software is available immediately without downloads or updates.

They even have some free to play games right now that you can try, in case you're not sure your internet connection can handle it! All free!

Sure, they'll have you sign up for a free trial of the premium service, which enables 4K video for a handful of games, and unlimited access to a decent library of games... but you don't have to renew if you don't find any value in it! I didn't!

Additionally you can buy a controller that connects to the service via Wi-Fi so you can play on your TV with a Chromecast Ultra. It's like a console, but a lot cheaper!

I'm telling you, you can't afford not to try it. It's the future of gaming, if anything you should check it out just to be a part of history. I used it to play Cyberpunk 2077 on launch day without owning a gaming PC or current-gen console and I loved the experience. 

Here's a referral link, if you happen to sign up for pro I get a free month or pro too.

They have a bunch of neat features that they plan on sharing soon, too. Cloud gaming stuff that consoles or PC simply can't do.

There's only one problem. Google is absolutely screwing the pooch with this one. They are pulling a Wii U.

The Wii U failed because people failed to see its potential. People didn't understand it, therefore people didn't see a reason to try it. It didn't sell well, therefore the company had no incentive to invest in software, accessories, or updates, so they announced a discontinuation, and people started acting like their console will quite literally stop working immediately.

Google has made the launch of the service as confusing as possible. They tried to appeal to the audience that already owns a better system, and left those who could benefit from the system in the dark. To make things worse they recently announced they would close their first-party studio and the media saw this as a call to abandon ship.

Google needs to snap out of it and fire their marketing team before it's too late to break out of that cycle.  I seriously doubt Google will just pull the plug and move on because this is a paid service tied to paid digital and physical products.

Worst case scenario, they just stop investing in it until a reasonable time has passed and they can justify pulling the plug on paying users without much scandal. In the meantime all we can do is throw our support behind it, hoping Google resumes investing and we may soon see what it's really capable of. At any rate, the service is already good, and any software you buy there today will be available to you until you're done with it.

Whenever the games industry tries something new, the hardcore gamer hive mind decides they hate it and soon enough it dies from lack of support from the core audience. But I believe Stadia is a great option for the casual gamers who want to try out all the hot new games but don't want to invest in hardware. It's also a great option for anyone who wants to try one game in particular without committing to a piece of hardware that would just gather dust after they're done with it. The convenience of it all cannot be understated.

If you're the kind of nerd who wants physical copies of thousands of games on a shelf to show off in the background of your unboxing youtube videos, Stadia may not be for you. But if you have streamed more movies than you physically own, you should reconsider. Don't worry, you don't have to throw away your entire game collection for it to work.

If we want the technology to advance, and for games to catch up, we must at least participate in the process. If you've already invested in superior hardware, at least keep it in mind next time a friend or relative asks you whether they should get a PS5 or Xbox, because if they're asking, Stadia is probably a better fit for them. There's no excuse when the service is free to try. Unless you're a hater.

Update

My last post on this blog was roughly four years and a half ago.

I stopped blogging because life kept happening. Also because I felt blogging was irrelevant, since I could just share my opinions on social media for the same audience. Besides, there's no way to compete with youtube vloggers and twitch streamers, anyway.

But I've been feeling downcast the last few days and there's some stuff I want to get on my chest. I think this is the right platform for that. Bonus points if anyone actually reads it (drop a comment if you want to absolutely make my day).

Four and a half years ago the 3DS was halfway through it's life-cycle, the Wii U still had potential, and he Nintendo switch was still code-named NX. Feels like forever ago.

If you're reading this it's likely because you were subscribed, so there's no point in telling you to stay tuned, but please do!

Pokemon Go: Approach With Caution.

So here's my game review: it's a free game, just get it and check it out, it's a lot of fun! Delete it if you don't like it. It's riddled with glitches and connectivity issues, and needs a lot of balancing, but that should be taken care of soon. That's it.

But before you do, here are some words of caution. A few years ago I wrote a piece about Ingress, and most of it also applies to Pokémon GO. Please check it out for context.

You will never be the very best.

This is not a game of skill. It's a game of mindless grinding. Walk, swipe, repeat. Niantic made a point not to alienate Pokemon Noobs (like me) and it works. The game gives you each Pokemon's stats and even assembles the ideal team for every battle. Just tap the screen.

You can also purchase boosts via micro-transactions. Also, location is key. Some players literally live and work around "pokestops" while others have to drive for hours to the nearest one.

It is pretty obvious that at the game progresses and gains popularity, there will be more premium content. You will have to visit specific stores, or buy certain products to stay ahead. Some of these stores or products may not exist in your town, city, or country.

What this means for you is that there will always be a kid with more free time, more money, and more nearby locations. No matter how hard you try. Effort is meaningless in this game.

If you decide you still want to play, you will have to fight the urge to put effort into the game. To spend gas money driving around. To spend cash in poke-coins. To trash talk other teams. To plan strategies. To walk more. You will not be rewarded for your effort, you will only have a constant feeling that you must try harder. I've seen cars speeding from stop to stop late at night in my neighborhood, screeching to a halt wherever a pokemon spawns. They seem frantic, desperate to gain an edge. Niantic is banking on this frustration do drive players to buy boosts with real money.

Uber knows you're more likely to pay more for your ride when your battery is running low. Niantic knows you're more likely to buy pokeballs if they make a rare pokemon spawn next to you when you have none.

I explained this to my wife yesterday morning and we both laughed, a few hours later she sent me a screenshot today to show off her in-game progress without knowing that screen also shows the amount of coins she had bought. A rare pokemon was there and she was fresh outta pokeballs. We're on a budget, and even though five bucks won't break us, it feels like a lot given the worthlessness of what was purchased. Once I realized this I knew I had to stop. The desire to one-up everybody else is strong even among the closest of friends, friendship be damned.

With enough maturity the game can be played casually. If you can manage this, the game is fun. Unless you're playing all by yourself while surrounded by friends...

You picked the wrong team.

In order to play the game competitively you need backup. Going solo will result in immediate defeat.

Just like in ingress, the game is not about "leading" every gym, but about leading as many as possible. It is far easier to bring down an enemy gym than to build one up for your team, and this makes sense because otherwise things would seldom change. But the scale tips so hard on the side of destruction that you can literally see gyms switching colors a few times per minute on busy areas. It all feels so pointless.

If you decide to play be sure to ask your friends what team they are, and pick the one most popular among them. Failing to do so will result in unfriendly competition, You simply will not be able to play together. If your friends are on an opposing team, everything yo do will hurt them, and vice versa.

So, you are on your friends team. When you get to work or school, it may be dominated by another team. Or your entire town, even. the team mechanic is divisive no matter how you see it.

I convinced a few family members to play, even though soon enough someone else would. But for some reason they all chose team valor, even though they knew I was team Mystic. So we can't even play as a family. If I chose to go on a trip with them, we simply wouldn't be able to make much progress, because we'd be competing. If all of us put in the effort to conquer a gym in a secluded location (hoping it lasts), only some of us will be rewarded for the trip. We can't all claim it. It's them or me now. And I simply do not want to be in that situation, so I thought I'd quit and deleted the app...

It's not easy to quit.

So I guess I can't do that. The addiction has settled in my family, and they want me to play along some more. Somehow not wanting to continue this cycle of pointless competition makes me a jerk.

I guess we'll have to have a family talk on how to approach this before things go sour. I suggest you do the same with your family and or circle of friends. Set some rules, some honor code, and figure out whats to do when you get to a distant gym and everyone wants to claim it, I still haven't.

Miitomo walkthrough and strategy guide.

Here's how to beat all your friends at nintendo's first ever smartphone game, Miitomo:

1. It's not a game.
2. You can't win.
3. You can't lose.
4. You're not supposed to play it.

Follow these four easy steps and you will be above the competition! Having any expectation of having "fun" while "playing" Miitomo will ruin it for you. You will "burn out" if you try to "unlock" all the "content". You will realize there is no "reward" to "leveling up".

Miitomo is a social app. Just like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and such! It's used for communicating. The only difference, though, is that it controls the flow of information, and that's a good thing. Less spam! More meaningful conversation!

Alright, here's some actual tips:

1. Answer questions honestly - You can't get to know your friends if they are too busy posting dumb answers to amuse themselves.
2. Make fun miifotos - Miifotos have fgreat potential, share them everywhere!
3. Don't add random people - You don't care what some random person off the internet did last weekend, trust me.
4. Make your mii look like you - miis will move, do facial expresion, and wear different outfits. If your mii has eyebrows for antennae, you're fucking the whole thing up. You asshole.
5. Use proper spelling and grammar - Miis will read posts out loud, please, for the love of iwata, type accordingly!
6. Everybody likes pizza - I'm pretty sure there's a more interesting dish that you like.
7. Check the app maybe once or twice a day, or you'll burn out - IT'S NOT A GAME!
8. Start conversations - don't just comment "same!" Share your thoughts! And not just your answer to the same question! Sheesh!

I'm too old for Splatoon, but I can't stop playing.

I've been hella busy lately, so here's a quick update on Splatoon:

So. being the bona-fide Nintendo fanboy that I am, I was quite exited to hear about Splatoon. But I was cautiously optimistic. I thought it had the potential to be a hit, but it would certainly not be for me.

Then they released the "testfire" stress test/demo, and I had to give it a try. Not only was the game lots of fun, but I was actually quite good at it! Then there was another test, and I was kicking ass! So of course I wanted the game!

Nintendo had made a formula in which casual players could be good at a competitive first person shooter! And it's an awesome game!

Then came the updates. They added new weapons, and new maps, each more complex and harder to master. And that was a problem. I was falling behind. I was great with the newbie weapons, and I knew the newbie maps like the back of my hand, but the kids with the fast reflexes and the zero responsibilities started gaining an advantage. Things get so intense I end up with a headache if i play too long. Yep. it's no longer a relaxing activity.

So here I am, with twelve-year-old kids running circles around me. Aching to play with adults. I tried for about 6 months to form a regular "squad". For a few weeks I had a "regular group", and as we played it would turn out they were little kids too.

To this day, none of my friends play the game, either. Not even those who have it!

So I think the problem with this IP is that Nintendo made it too focused towards millennials. And it's a shame because it's a great game. I still have hopes that they perfect the ranking and matchmaking algorithms so that I don't have a stroke playing this game.

I tried to warn you. Gamers are on the brink of extinction.

That's right. Gamers are going the way of the Dreamcast. Gone. Cancelled. Forgotten. No need to be angry, though! It's gonna be fine! You're going to be fine, I promise! Put down your weapon and continue reading.

For the last few years I've been writing about how toxic the "Handcore demographic" has gotten. I've discussed Nintendo hate among gamers and tried to define the term "Hardcore". I think I caught a bit of a trend there, don't you?

Recently, however, a great deal of shit has hit the fan. I don't have all the facts, but the news are pretty disturbing. Here's some headlines:

• Trolls drive Anita Sarkeesian out of her house to prove misogyny doesn't exist

• The Anti-Feminist Internet Targets 'Depression Quest' Game Creator Zoe Quinn

• Fez developer Polytron hacked in ongoing game developer harassment effort

Even if these articles were full of lies, the fact remains that people are rushing to the comments section in these pages to defend whoever's harassing these people. Under what circumstances is it OK to attack people like this? None. It's wrong. I don't care how evil do you think these people are. I don't wanna hear about corruption in journalism and any other bullshit arguments. If you disagree with these people, then don't consume their product. There are more pressing issues right now! Like wars and global warming and shit!

So why are people turning violent over such trivial matters (AKA Video Games)? Previously I had hypothesized that the hardcore gamer crowd was taking the offensive because they suddenly felt like a majority, whereas they had previously been bullied. I still think this is true, but not the main reason. There's a point I had not considered, something else that hit the media today.

Dan Golding seems to have hit the nail right on the head (please click on the links for context). Turns out the gamers are feeling threatened!

I fully agree with his views. The gamers are lashing out against anyone who threatens to change their lifestyle, their identity, or to let outsiders into their couch fortress.

Suddenly the feminists say that we can't have gratuitous titties in our games. We're fucking adults! Stop messing with our games! Then these chicks are making girly games, and now when I go to Gamestop, there's little girls there too! I can't shop at a store that caters to little girls! Did you know girls can't be gamers? And if they are they have to be virgins! Ugly virgins that fear our ever-ready rape stick! Yeah, we can make rape jokes, we're adults! Now everybody wants to be a gamer, and if everyone is a gamer, then what am I? Just a person? What am I supposed to do with all this loot crate swag now? Who am I?

One thing the last two articles referenced never mentioned, however, is the Nintendo hate! The final piece of the puzzle! Now I know why the hardcore gamers love to hate Nintendo! Because Nintendo is changing their hobby! They're making games for children and adults. They make controllers that require body movements. They keep prices low to appeal to a wider audience... They are threatening the status quo. No, wait, they destroyed it long ago, now, with the Wii.

I heard people complain that Nintendo was refusing to evolve by developing underpowered hardware and sticking to their franchises. But isn't it the other way around? Hasn't the entire industry, including the consumer, refused to evolve by not allowing innovation and diversity?

If you're a hardcore gamer, know that there will always be a market for "triple A" games. But you will have to share now. But nobody's taking anything from you! There's just going to be more! Enough for everyone! But some things will change. But for the better! Some of the gratuitous violence and misogyny will slowly fade out as more and more females start to buy games, and as the media finally starts to pay attention. But more consumers means more business! The industry is going to flourish! Everyone's a gamer now, you're just a guy now. Sure, you won't have that feeling of belonging anymore, but you're no longer an outcast! See? I told you everything was going to be alright!

Please don't kill me. I love you!

Mario Kart 8: The hype stops here.

I love Mario Kart 8. I come home from work to play it, and stay up night playing. It's great fun, and I'm very happy it's helping drive Wii U sales. Sure, they changed a few things but I see why. You can now only hold one item, which keeps the game more balanced. They practically took away battle mode, but I don't miss it.

Oh, and the graphics are amazing. The game is truly great.

It's also a great disappointment.

FIrst, I want to talk about the anti gravity gimmick. It's pretty cool, but poorly implemented. When I first heard about it, I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities, but every second idea was for Rainbow Road. Here you have a race track suspended in the air above the atmosphere, just begging to be turned into a multicolored möbius strip of death. Instead? They took all the magic away and turned into a spaceship-themed track. Yuck.

They made only ONE möbius strip track, and it's a "circuit" track with trees and bushes on both sides. Seriously. Upside down trees. It's horrible. Almost every track that features anti gravity segments turns the scenery around as well, so you get no sense of defying gravity.

Also, very rarely is it used for running along walls, and even more rare is racing on the actual ceiling. Instead they tacked it on (in the last minute, it seems) to a few steep hills or sharp curves where normal karts would have done just right.

One thing that bothers me too is bikes, they look so weird in anti-gravity that I always use karts.

Here's a few more missed opportunities:

• Turning a few SNES tracks into möbius strips, or fold the entire track so half of it is now the ceiling.
• Anti gravity mayhem in the Wii's half-pipes. Turn a few of them into actual pipes.
• Steep climbs when weaker vehicles slow down, followed by steep drops where you speed up uncontrollably. Shy guy falls does this, but it needs to happen more often.
• More straight tracks. In MK7 there were several tracks, including Rainbow Road, where there were no laps. In MK8 there is only one that I can remember. How cool would it be for a track to start in a series of underground water-filled tunnels, then climb along a gigantic beanstalk beyond the clouds? 
• Loop-de-loops! Not a single one!
• A three-sided möbius track where each side is one lap. Technically, it's only one side but you get my drift.

Online play is still a bit of a pain. You still have to open "rooms" and hope your friends show up. What if your friends are offline or playing with random players? Not my problem!

The entire experience until you get to race is pretty bad too. The navigating through menus is insufferable, especially if more than player is present.

Finally, the game is pretty hostile towards the gamepad. Why force the game into split-screen mode for a two-player race when there's two screens? How about a spectator mode where the player uses the gamepad screen and others can watch from a third-person perspective on the big screen?

Hopefully the last few concerns can be patched, and even though the unimaginative track design is inexcusable, I would gladly pay for a couple extra DLC "cups". I know the game will get patched for Amiibo support, so get to it Nintendo! Make it perfect!

How to save the Wii U

I know you've read a brazillion posts about how to save the Wii U, And I know you are sick of them all. But bear with me for a moment, this one actually makes sense!

What the Wii U needs is a killer app. What the Wii U needs is Jet Grind Radio. Think about it.

The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker showed us that the Wii U's full 1080, 60fps capability makes cel-shaded graphics look gorgeous. What other game was popular for using cel-shaded graphics? Jet Grind Radio. The game will certainly look amazing.

On the Dreamcast days, JGR had a neat graffiti generation tool. You could make customized tags that looked great, in case you got tired of the pre-made ones. But you could go further and go on your computer, edit some graphics, and them import them via the Dreamcast's web browser. Spray-painting silly pictures around town was half the fun. But there's no need for any of this on the Wii U, because of the Gamepad! There's a huge artist community on Miiverse, and if you give them the ability to make cool tags with Gamepad, share them on Miiverse, and use them in-game, they will go crazy!

Of course, when you had chosen your tags for the game, painting them in-game was done by swiping the analog stick. You had to be fast, especially with larger tags, because the cops were always after you. Now imagine the possibilities. Instead of swiping on a stick, you trace lines on the gamepad, and while the gamepad shows your art taking shape, the TV screen shows an over-the shoulder view of the back of the character, so you can keep an eye on incoming cops. ZombiU proved this was a great gameplay mechanic when you had to use the gamepad to unlock doors or fix things while you kept an eye on the big screen for incoming zombies. The more complicated the task, the more you have to focus, the more you have to focus, the easier it is for cops to sneak up on you. Sure, JGR's cops aren't sneaky shambling zombies, but nevertheless it sounds like loads of fun. In JGR the cops would shoot you and try to harm you, but the new version could include cops who walk up to you and if they get their hands on you you'd be arrested and the game ends.

Some have called the Wii U Nintendo's Dreamcast. I can certainly feel the similarities, and I'm willing to wager a lot of Dreamcast fans own Wii U systems, but many more are apprehensive after DC's failure. This move might win many of them over.

JGR featured some awesome music I still listen to today, if SEGA and Nintendo get the right music for this game it will sell itself.

And my final argument: Jet Grind radio was a lot of fun. I'd play that game for hours on end. A fun game is always a safe bet. I'd grind and grind for hours to get the best scores, with no one to show, but now, playing for high scores takes on a new meaning with Miiverse. Again the fun factor is multiplied.

And this is how you save the Wii U. With Jet Grind Radio as a system exclusive.

Homodachi Life.

This whole #Miiquality deal reminds me of the time PETA went against Nintendo for Mario's tanooki fur suit.

It's not helping their cause at all.

We're talking about a game made by a bunch of middle-aged Japanese men. They did not push the gays out, they probably didn't notice that they were waiting outside in the first place.

Throw an avalanche of hate in their direction, when they're already in trouble financially, and of course they're going to come out with an awkward,  panicked response that can be easily torn apart by the frenzied masses and turned agains them.

They realized that they made a mistake.  They did not do it on purpose, but they see it's a big deal.  They promised it won't happen again.  But the masses are still wielding torches and pitchforks.  They want Iwata's head on a plate.

The same thing happened when Anita Sarkeesian called them out on their sexist ways. They listened and they changed. Peach is now a heroine instead of a damsel in distress.

The LGBT community now has an ally in Nintendo. I hope they realize that before they drive them to bankruptcy.

My Egress from Ingress

Some of you might have heard of this game called Ingress. Lemme tell you about it, from my biased point of view.

The concept is fascinating, really. Google overlays an MMO over Google Maps. Meaning that in order to move your avatar in the game world, you have to move your smartphone in the real world. "Augmented reality" they call it. They tie places of interest in reality to "portals" in-game. You have to go to those portals and claim them. It's fun. Then you trace lines along these portals, and when you form a triangle it's filled in your faction's color, successfully claiming that turf for your loyal faction.

The game features minimalistic graphics, and gives verbal cues to most actions, so that you may play while you walk. Headphones are suggested on the load screen.

"Hold on, m'homie" you may be wondering. "Do I have to get off my couch for this?" you may ask. Yes. Yes you have. You have to get out there, and if you're serious about it, or if you want your faction's approval, you have to get in your car and spend some serious gas money on it. Now, before you run away, I assure you, the game ties in-game locations to places of interest. So you should be leaving your house to see cool places! Every time you play it's an adventure! At least in theory. In reality you will find most portals are garbage. Somehow Google thought it would be good to let users submit portals in order to mine the data and profit by measuring human traffic... but the result was players who wanted more portals started reporting bus stops, lawn ornaments, signs and such as portals, and Google played along. You will spend your day running from uninteresting location to uninteresting location.

"But it sure is worth it, right?" You may ask next. "Capturing all those portals and claiming the land for your faction sounds satisfying!" Sure. Sure it is. Until some jerk from the other faction shows up and claims them. Portals usually last a day or two. You're not meant to keep them forever. It takes a while to realize Ingress is a plate-spinning game. The idea is to have as many going as possible, not to have them all. This can be extremely frustrating if you're outnumbered, or someone in the opposing faction is targeting you or even cheating.

And boy, is there cheating! It's a well known fact that some players play from their couches, spoofing coordinates in a PC running an Android emulator. Targeting large fields and remote portals. These people never seem to get banned. Google provides a nice "intel" page that players may peruse to plan their trips. Some players, however, use forbidden apps that mine this system for extra information, this allows the cheater to virtually stalk other players and harass them. Of course, if you ask these cheaters, they will say they're just hardcore and insist it's OK to break the rules as long as you don't like them.

But then there's those who don't cheat the game, but still have an unfair advantage, and use it to troll other players. I can think of many examples, but some may come off as whiny, so I'll skip to the worst. There is an actual police officer that actively plays while on duty. Pretty much funding his Ingress addiction with taxpayer dollars. He will use his badge to get to hard-to-reach places and will use his uniform to intimidate others. If that doesn't make you want to flip a table, I don't know what will.

"What about the community?" I'm assuming you asked. Well they're OK. You'll meet fun people, and may even organize fun expeditions. But then there's the stalkers, the faction-switchers, the spies... then there's the roleplayers...

Google has made a point to give the game an RPG feel by adding a "backstory". They gave names to the factions and have even established recurring characters that come up in social media posts. Some players play along and that's fine. I'm a fan of RPGs myself. But this is a game that takes place in real life. And it's freaking scary when people do it as part of their regular lives. Some take the grudge between the factions too far and make threatening posts and such. It creates a very hostile environment.

So basically it's everything I hate about an MMO, without any of the things I like about MMOs. Eventually I got tired of coming home late because I had to spin so many plates on my way. I got tired of blocking the creepy players. I got tired of trash talking. I got tired of reporting fake portals. I got tired of visiting lawn ornaments and road signs. I got tired of the endless notifications. I got tired of being antagonized by fucking Robocop. I own many games that are far better and require far less effort. If you need me, I'll be playing Tetris.

I Fink u Froakie and I Like u Alot

I've never been a Pokemon fan. I never even saw the appeal of it. You go around the world doing horrible things to innocent creatures for fun and the only thing that is at stake is... uh...  that someone else may have more pokemon slaves than you. I say slaves instead of pets because I know some of these are sentient.

On the other hand, Pokemon is a pop culture phenomenon that is VERY hard to avoid. I'd seen the cartoons, I'd seen the memes, I even completed the pokedex in the 3DS (I was bored at work)! I'll throw around phrases like "it's super effective" when surrounded by pokemon people, and I'd probably be able to to name quite a few pokemon. One really can't just ignore it, but one sure can try, and try I did; I steered clear of any actual pokemon games for all these years, simply because I knew it'd take up too much of my limited brain capacity.

For the last few weeks, Nintendo ran this promotion where they were giving out a free download code for Pokemon X/Y... It's free dagnabbit, I can't turn down a freebie! So since my son's 3DS is broken, I decided to install it in my 3ds and give it a go. The truth is that I had knocked it before I had tried it, and maybe it deserves a chance.

So here I am, I've played for about an hour... and I still don't get it. What's the point of the entire game? My character is a boy and an unknown man told him to leave home on an adventure! Stranger danger! His mom immediately packed his stuff and sent him off to enslave all the pokemen. I love you too, mom!

I chose Froakie as my starter and named him Freakie (because I'm so froaking clever). I assume I have to walk down the road because there is nowhere else to go. That's my motivation to move forward; because my other option is to stay where I started. You call this an RPG?

So I find a creature in the grass, I tell my creature to beat it up, and if it doesn't quite die I get to keep it and torture it. Hooray! If something interesting doesn't happen soon, I'll erase my save.

So why am I writing this, then? Why not just stop playing now? Because something freaky is going on. I find myself giggling uncontrollably at the references made in-game! I cheer when I see a pokemon I recognize! ...and I feel I have to catch more! This game is tickling that "ooh, I've seen this before" nerve in my brain, and it's all backwards! You're supposed to play this game FIRST, then enjoy the memes, the cartoons, the damn pokedex...

...It's all backwards? Why? What is the meaning of life? What if, this whole thing is just a dream? Maybe there is no reality, and all exists within my head, which only exists because I thought of it.

One thing is certain, this blog only exists in my head, and I'm the only one that reads it. I haven't written in ages and I have so much to say about the Wii U, Bravely Default, and a handful of mobile games. Oh well. I'll write more about this game once I've gotten a few more hours into it.

Watch a GameStop employee make an ass out of himself.

I have decided GameStop no longer deserves my business.

Yesterday I visited a GameStop store because a flyer on their door caught my eye. It said I could get double in-store credit for my game system trade-in. Now, before I entered the store I did some quick math in my brain:

The normal trade-in value for a Nintendo 3DS is about $80.00. I say about because I'm aware prices fluctuate. A new nintendo 3DSXL costs $199.99. Therefore 199.99 - ( 80 * 2) = 39.99. HOLYCRAP! I can upgrade for just 40 bucks? Where do I sign? I rushed inside and asked for the trade-in value of a 3DS under this new promotion. The man kindly said it's about $100.00. Wait a minute! 80 * 2 > 100! I calmly asked; Is the regular trade-in value around $50.00? The man explained the prices fluctuate, which is perfectly understandable, but then he went on. He said something to the effect of "They play with the values a bit before the promotion, but it's still the most we've ever offered." Please note the word he used was "play".

How kind of him. I walked out. I'm not a victim. I was not ripped off. I don't need to sell my 3DS. I don't need a 3DSXL. But I decided to vent online about how I almost fell for the bait and switch, and hopefully an any potential victims. This is what happened:

I posted a screen capture in case they delete the post, but the conversation is still ongoing here.

Now the subject of the post changes entirely. Let's say Ryan Smith (identified as games Advisor for GameStop on his Google+ profile) is absolutely right. Let's say there is no bait and switch and I should be grateful I'm getting double in-store credit. Fine. Why is he verbally abusing me? I'm not just a dude on the internet, I'm a customer at his employer's place of business, therefore I'm HIS customer! I found it particularly disgusting how he used all that hardcore corporate capitalist jargon at the end. His words, to me, represent the thoughts of an entire corporation.

Well, I guess there isn't much left to say, the comments say it all. Feel free to click the link and tell Mr. Smith (or me) how you feel about their trade-in policies and the quality of ther customer service. My point is that I'm not spending another dime on GameStop.

I have placed a complaint with GameStop and will update when they respond.

UPDATE: No answer from GameStop yet. The man has changed his employment status in G+ before denying working there.

You want Mario on your iPhone and I want a real life baby unicorn.

I don't always blog, but when I do, it's because of something stupid I saw on the Internet.

Listen, I've had it up to here with your stupid "Nintendo should start making IOS/Android games" posts. You're stupid and so is your mother's face. - me

Lately I've observed this disturbing trend were professional video game writers and so called analysts go on rambling about how Nintendo should pull a SEGA and start selling their games on smartphones and tablets.

I've commented on these posts whenever I see them, but haters just won't listen to reason. I think now I understand why. The key word here is "should". I can't call out the fallacy because of THAT word. Were they saying "Nintendo must", "it would be profitable to Nintendo if" or anything among those lines, my argument that Nintendo sells consoles at a loss and only starts making profit after a few games are sold for each would suffice.

Should (SHo͝od), Verb

• Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions: "he should have been careful".

• Indicating a desirable or expected state: "by now students should be able to read".

By that logic. I could make a blog post about how the people of the world should unite and name me their new leader. I also think IOS and Android should make love and give birth to baby iDroids, which they would hand out for FREE, preloaded with each piece of software ever known to man. They would also have a Sega Genesis cartridge slot, and it would come packaged with Sonic 3 AND Sonic & Knuckles cartridges. Why should they? Because that's what I want, Isn't that a valid reason?

Listen, Mario is, right now, the most recognized character in video games, and the franchise is the top selling video game franchise of all time. OF ALL TIME! Hell, Mario is arguably more popular than Mickey Mouse! And that's on Nintendo systems alone (and the occasional odd PC licence). Would the franchise sell better if it were available on smartphones? Logic dictates YES, but it doesn't need to sell any better! Not only is it selling well, its selling best, and that's better enough.

Fact: People buy Nintendo consoles to play Nintendo games, and their oft-criticized lack of third party support aids my argument. Wii is the best selling console of this generation, matched only by XBOX 360, but the sales figures for those don't mention that avid fanboys repeatedly buy replacement consoles whenever their Xboxes die, and that the system has been repachaged a million times. The only reason Wii sales have dwindled recently is because of the Wii U.

Finally, always remember Nintendo is a hardware company, just like Apple is a hardware company. Apple makes all kinds of neat software and services to sell their hardware, to the point some of their hardware is actually popular because of the software. Apple is known because their software, especially the operating systems, are built from the ground up along the hardware, and you don't see people asking Apple to sell IOS on Samsung devices. So why should Nintendo allow their competition to use their software? Is it because their hardware is selling so poorly, kinda like what SEGA did? Well, kiddo, the difference between SEGA and Nintendo's (and I'm a SEGA fanboy before a Nintendo fanboy) is that their hardware actually sells a lot better than their competition, even though the loud minority composed of "hardcore" gamer wants you to think otherwise. Just look at the sales numbers.

So quit whining about how you want Mario on your iPhone or Pokemon on your Android, buy a goddamned Nintendo system or STFU and GTFO.

The Damsel In Distress

Just in time for international women's day, this video comes up, reminding us of a serious issue that is still rampant in the world of gaming, sexism.

Do you think this will turn into a PR disaster for Nintendo? I hope it doesn't, but this, together with turning their only good female character into a bootylicious blonde with daddy issues in Metroid Other M, should not go unnoticed. To be honest, I lost a bit of respect for Miyamoto after watching that video.

What are your thoughts? Please comment! In the meantime, here's a video of a hacked Donkey Kong game on which Pauline saves Mario.

Outdated Review: The "Denpa" Men: They Came By Wave

OK. There's a free demo out there for this game, so I won't waste my time telling you why you should get this game. Just play the demo.

I, however, want to tell you why you should get the demo. Denpa men is a JRPG in the classical sense, a dungeon-crawler if you will. But at the same time it's a very interesting experiment.

[insert flashback sound effect here]

Back in the day, when games were about gaming and not about story, RPG's (now known a JRPG's, before the gaijin ruined the genre) were the exception. These games were meant to be more of an interesting interactive story, inspired by classic western table-top RPG's (circle closed). Somehow one of the tropes of the genre was that battles had to be strategic, and turn based. Whenever a game broke away from the formula and added action, it was demoted to an "adventure" game.

The thing was, that the general impression was that if you wanted a really good story, you wanted an RPG, and usually that meant muscling through hours of tedious grind. You had to work HARD for your story (or you could just buy a book). Anyway, my point is, the 16-bit era was tough. WE had it tough. Kids nowadays get all kinds of cool stories even with the dumbest of first person shooters.

Curious thing, though, is that many of us eventually got used to the grind, and learned to appreciate it. Denpa Men is all about this. The turn-based combat. The strategic building of a team. The dungeon crawling. The story? Meh. You won't be buying this game for the story, sorry. But bear with me.

They took all the fun things about JRPG combat and streamlined it all the way. For example, when an enemy hits all your guys, you're just told how much damage they received in average (their individual gauges in the lower screen show HP in detail, still). When you set all your guys to attack, the animation shows them just rushing and ganging up on the enemy, then you're told the total damage made. Your party is made of 8 guys, so imagine having to wait for all of them to attack! If you've ever played a JRPG, you know most of the time you just set all of your party to attack! But you know what they did? They made an "everybody just attack" button! Oh, sweet, glorious grind! Sure, sometimes you need to do other stuff, and those get their own animations, but it's still pretty smooth. All commands are given at the beginning of the turn, Dragon Quest style, so you can use your touchscreen to give the specific orders, then when you're done, hit the "all attack" button to set everybody else on attack mode.

They even threw in an auto mode, so everybody attacks unless their "Antenna Power" is useful. You gotta approach this one with caution. It may make things a bit too easy. The AI for the auto is pretty meta, this means anybody with an attack or debuff power will use it unless the enemy is impervious to it and, healers will only heal when necessary. So it makes exploiting the enemies' weaknesses a bit to easy. Unless you do what I do and spend your day fine-tuning your powers and equipment into a deadly, fail-proof, auto-mode machine.

There's the added gimmick of HOW you find the Denpa Men. Somehow the game reads radio waves around you and generates Denpa men from them. The game's backstory is that Denpa (literally "radio waves" in Japanese) reside in radio waves, so basically they reside in actual locations. You will find specific Denpa men on your living room whenever you scan it, then some more at work. They each have a name, color, face,  personality and are attached to a real-life location, so you will find yourself recognizing them, even if you don't catch them. These personalities would be more amusing if they spoke throughout the game, but they only speak when you chose to talk to them. Yes, they totally acknowledge you as the player, and their strategist.

Anyways, the game is an interesting experiment in which they made a JRPG that's all about the grind and not really about the story. And it works. The monsters are adorable, dungeons are pretty neat, and music is super catchy, so you find yourself grinding for fun.  Buy it, it's only ten bucks. Get the demo if you don't believe me.

Cool story, bro

Ever since the creation of this blog, I've been talking about how gaming just sucks nowadays. I've written  about the "core" wars and the deep Nintendo hatred that has poisoned this generation of gamers, and other alarming facts. 'Tis true, my friends, gaming has taken an ugly turn ever since the PlayStation days. And I think I've figured out one of the main reasons.

"I only care about the story" - some jerk

Ever since the advent of the CD-rom, gaming somehow changed. I've talked before about how it destroyed video game music as we knew it, by making it linear instead of interactive. But, if you think about it, didn't it destroy everything else in the same way? Let's talk about cutscenes. In the 8 and 16-bit eras, games would have dramatic cutscenes every once in a while designed merely to add some depth to the in-game storytelling. These consisted of still images and scrolling text, or maybe some simplistic animation. Similar techniques were used for "attract mode" displays in arcade machines, again, to add a bit of "story telling" as well as some visual flare to an otherwise ugly-looking game.

But was the game ever about the cutscene? WAS IT?!?!

Cutscene in Pac-Man: Actual gameplay experience may vary.

Will someone explain to me, then, why games in the 21th century are all about the non-interactive parts? Crack open a video-game magazine, look up a gaming blog or one of those hideous TV shows about gaming, and look at how the review, even approach games. They will try to sell that shit to you like it's a fucking movie. I'm not making shit up. Open a new tab and go for it. It's disgusting.

ProTip: Don't let your hardcore buddies see you crying.

For comparison's sake, let's bring out Gamepro's classic rating scale. Remember that? Back in the day, video game magazines had their own rating scales, usually judging different aspects of the game separately, occasionally bringing up an average. These were usually:

• Graphics, covering how the game looked, not just the graphical power, but the general artistic direction. Keep in mind these magazines would rate games on different consoles with different processing power.
• Sound, focused on sound effects quality as well as music.
• Control, or how well the game reacted to your input, bad control can ruin the best games.
• Gameplay, or how much fun it actually is. Often labeled as the most important aspect.

Nope, I don't recall any specific situation in which "Story" was weighed in, but I guess it might be a factor in some publications. The main reason story was not a big deal, was because only certain genres were about the story.

OK, now back to contemporary game journalism. "It's a game about some characters who have to save something important from something bad."

That's it. That's all you get. A goddamned movie synopsis. Because now that games are fucking mainstream, somehow they thought it would be appropriate to treat them like movies, because that's what mainstream media understands.

They might throw you a "Great graphics!" bone every now and then, but who gives a damn when all games look the same? What they're rating is the console's graphic processor, not the game's "realist" (AKA non-existing) art direction. If they were rating the game's art direction, games like Skyward Sword and Monster Hunter Tri would be high above all the first person shooters. Naw, they just care about counting hairs and sweat drops. Then you have the average hypocritical gamer who says they only care about the story, but also evade the under-powered consoles like it's the damned plague.

Enough with the "graphics" tangent. My point is this: Games are not movies, and should not be judged as such. It's not about the story and the special effects. Sure, you want good graphics and a solid story, but games have a lot more to offer, because they're freaking GAMES. If you just want a good story with nice special effects and little interaction, go watch a movie and leave my video games alone!

Haters Gonna Hate

Hey kids! Today I’m going to cover a subject I have mentioned before, so to avoid repetition, please peruse the following links for context.

• Softcore
• Revenge of the (hardcore) Nerds
• My lawn, and why you should get off it

Based on recent events, and the links provided, if you have been following this blog (and by “you” I mean “nobody”) you might have seen this coming. I want to talk about the WiiU announcement on the 2012 Electronic Entertainment Expo.

Regarding the other brands, I saw many of the other presentations, and only a handful of games caught my eye, but in the end it’s all just sequels and software with very few innovations. Sure, the games look sweet, but that’s the standard nowadays. Oh and a handful of WiiU Gamepad imitations.

As an out-of-the closet Nintendo fanboy, I watched the pre-E3 presentation on Nintendo Direct and watched the actual presentation live on TV. What I saw blew my mind. I immediately went on to the Interwebs to discuss this with my peers. What I found made me not want to live in this planet anymore.

I tried to show the videos to my friends and most just flat out refused to watch. That’s right; many just rejected the concept before even knowing what it was. Kids on various social networks kept bitching that Nintendo stole Microsoft’s XBOX 360 controller design. Do you seriously think Microsoft made that from scratch?

Many criticized the Wii’s lack of third party support, probably the only true argument on the hater’s side. And while, sure, it’s a known fact that Nintendo did not play well with others, at the same time, no big budget game developer is going to waste time re-designing a game to make it playable on a system that is so different. With the new classic pro controller, developing games for the WiiU is going to be the same as the other systems, and you can tell because many developers have already brought their franchises to the WiiU. You see? They just wanted it easy, and it looks like this time around Nintendo is making it easy.

I’ve defended as well as criticized Nintendo’s decisions before, but you know what? I’ve decided I don’t need to anyway. Nintendo is a corporation, and what corporations do is make money. It is wiser to sell affordable entertainment to the masses than to sell expensive toys to a loud minority. That’s right, the “hardcore gamer” demographic is a puny, pathetic little niche in the market, just look at the sales figures.

As the meme goes, “Haters gonna hate”. I’m done defending Nintendo. The only way the “hardcore” crowd would have approved the WiiU is if Iwata had stood on the stage, pointed at a picture of a piece of hardware and said “It allows you to play Call of Duty on your Xbox360 while your mom gets you more pizza rolls”.

I know the WiiU will be successful and I will buy one as soon as I can. I know the gamepad will bring much innovation to game design, as well as practical ways to use the console on a daily basis. In know high sales figures paired with more familiar controls will bring more third party games. I know the MiiVerse will be the ultimate gaming social network. I know that by the time Sony and Microsoft announce new hardware, WiiU will already have dominated the market, and I now that developers will still continue to develop for the WiiU, 360 and PS3 long after this next generation launches (Did you know game stores still stock Playstation2 software?) It’s going to be an awesome experience, and it’s sad that I’ll have to share it with strangers
instead of my friends. But, oh well, haters gonna hate!

My lawn, and why you should get off it

Greetings my fellow downcast gamers! I know I have been away for a while, but I only did it so you would appreciate me more when I came back! Right! Let’s do some blogging!

First, quick update, I owe you a handful of reviews for some new games I’ve gotten since I last posted here, namely Mario Kart 7, Super Mario 3D Land, Pushmo and VVVVVV for the 3DS. I also want to write a bit about Star Wars: The Old Republic for the PC. So if you’re interested in any of these games I suggest you subscribe to the RSS.

Right now I just want to go on a little rant that started as a conversation and almost ended in an Internet argument. I’m well aware those are pointless, though, so don’t worry, but an important point came up that I’d like to bring here: People harassing those playing with their 3DS in public. I’ve heard it from others and it’s happened to me. Those snarky comments “oooh aren’t those for babies” “myeh did you steal your kid’s toy” and “I’m stupid” among others. They're practically forcing us DS enthusiasts to only play in private.

I wonder, why do people get the impression Nintendo games are infantile? Why will the “hardcore gamers” (AGAIN WITH THE HARDCORE GAMERS! …I know) instantly discredit any Nintendo console? I have a hypothesis.

When I was in sixth grade, all my classmates, including me, would swear like a sailor that just stubbed his toe, thinking it was the “mature” thing to do. I don’t swear a lot now, especially not in my native tongue. I find it immature and unnecessary (unless I stub my toe). Then everybody would talk about the horror movies they saw the night before, and mock those not interested. I was one of them. I have never found it appealing to watch others suffer, even in fiction.

When I started college, I remember most kids my age would pick up smoking and heavy drinking as soon as they legally could. Possibly thinking it was the mature thing to do. Many also picked up promiscuity.

It is human nature that the kids will want to do what they think older people do. That’s how we grow. The problem is when they get a wrong impression and start doing stupid things. One day one of my sixth grade teachers stopped me in the middle of the hall and taught me the meaning of a word I had been using at random intervals. That’s when I realized I was not acting like a grown up.

Video games today have become very complex works of art. The bleeps and blorps that amused me as a kid have turned into voice acting. The pixelated villains that would blink out of existence once knocked out have become realistic thugs that bleed all over the place. Games have grown with us, and our children have seen this, and they see this as adult behavior. They crave these deep storylines, the competitiveness, the thrill of the kill. Things kids don’t understand, because the game was not meant for them in the first place.

On the other hand we have the old gamer. The Nintendo generation is now in their early thirties. To us Mario is what Mickey Mouse is to our parents (it was never considered immature for an adult to own a Mickey Mouse watch). This generation is facing hard times, economically. That paired with starting to raise kids of our own.

This generation is split in two. We crave these new generation of games because, well, they’re freaking awesome. But we also want to revive the good old days. That’s when Nintendo comes in. For the last few years Nintendo has made a business out of making family oriented games, casual games, and milking their old franchises as much as they can. Can’t you see? They’re making games for adults!

Nintendo knows these principles about their target audience: we love Mario, Link and Samus, we wish our kids knew about them, we barely have time to play, and we’re broke. This is why they’ve kept such a tight grip on the handheld market. They’re feeding us Mario games in cheap, portable packages!

And they’re just getting started! Have you taken a look at Super Mario 3D land? The game is a love letter to the Nintendo Generation! First, it plays like a 3D game would play when I imagined it as a kid. Second, they’ve crammed the game with obscure retro references people under 20 will miss. And finally, they’ve ramped down the difficulty level so we can share with our kids, and then snuck in some super hard challenges because that's what retro games are all about.

Virtual console, casual puzzlers, and big budget Nintendo games. It fits in my pocket and I can play it on the train or during my lunch break because I don’t have time to play consoles anymore. It has family oriented material I can share with my kids, and the cutesy art direction serves as a palate cleanser after spending a day watching people do horrible things to each other. No, this is not a kid’s toy. This is entertainment for the discerning adult.